One Last Hope
So that’s it? The plan goes ahead no matter what. Today’s the day. How do you feel?
You’d think I’d be terrified, hoping, praying, fighting for one more day of happiness. Show me I am still worthy. Take away this emptiness, this loneliness, and give me someone who loves me properly, and I can love properly.
I prayed for one last miracle, one last sign from God saying, “Your struggle is over. Here is the person you need. Go and love her, and she will help you to love yourself.” I prayed that prayer for weeks, although if I was to be more precise then the actual prayer was “Take away this emptiness, let me live fully, do some good and end my struggle, or if your done with me Lord then let me die, no casualties, no one else involved, just clean and simple” and yeah, there were things that seemed to me to be so heavily pointed out that a blind man would see them.
So I pursued them, all of them and each and every one turned out to be nothing but a carrot on a stick leaving me feeling more and more empty each time. So I said, “Fuck it, if God is done with me, then I’m done with me as well.”
And in the most dramatic of fashions I cast my cross, my rosary beads, and my anti-suicide necklace to the ground and set about making and procuring my “suicide shopping list” No specifics here for obvious reasons but let’s say a fuck ton of non-illegal tablets and a bottle of suicide whiskey (some Tesco cheapest own brand “tear a hole in ye shit” cause mans skint)
I set an alarm for “The Deed” for 11:30 p.m. on October 12th. It was supposed to be the 11th of October which is my birthday, because somehow, I guess it seemed more fitting. For context, it’s the 31st of October that I am writing this (Happy Halloween), so there’s more to this story;
We are the heroes of our own stories; don’t let the hero in yours die either!
If Today Was Your Last Day
Ok, it’s my last ever day on this earth, and because I am committing a Mortal sin I am condemning myself to an eternity in hell.
Ok, so what do I want to do with it?
Will I go for a drive? I don’t know, I’m not feeling it.
No to Hell with that, it’s your last ever day and your last ever chance to do it so carpe diem, seize the day! And that’s exactly what I did.
I got up without a plan other than that “by 11:30 tonight, it will be done, and by tomorrow, I will either be gone or, after 24 hours, my chances of being saved will be next to non-existent.” I went to the kitchen, made a coffee, sat down rolled a joint and thought about my next moves.
One of which was the aforementioned drive. For those who don’t know, I live on the North Coast of Northern Ireland, and driving the coastal roads of Portrush and Portstewart can still be some of the most awe-inspiring views I have ever seen. And yes, I travelled a lot when I was younger.
I used to drive these roads a lifetime ago when I was 18, just passed my test and felt the very first taste of freedom. When I moved away in times of pain, hope, sadness, and happiness and when I was homesick, these roads always gave me comfort and in truth, it’s one of the main reasons I moved back to my home town.
On this particular day however, I realised very quickly that even though I had driven over 2000 miles in the past month doing circles of this route and looking out at the sea, I hadn’t taken the time to acknowledge the amazing creation that is our glorious world.
Well, I say that, but I did, I know I did because I specifically remember now that I am typing this not only commenting on the beauty of them internally, but I had also pointed it out to others.
The reason the first part remains is that today felt different—far more magnificent than any other time. It was as if seeing it for the last time mirrored the experience of seeing it for the first.
When do we ever take the time to do that, to see things fully, and say “God what an amazing world you have created for us, and thank you for all of the incredible gifts you have given to allow me to experience this moment”
It reminds me of a quote on Brandon lee’s Headstone.
Firstly for those who don’t know of Brandon Lee he’s the son of Bruce Lee and was also an actor in own his rite, and starred in the 1994 film “The Crow” an absolute masterpiece of a movie movie about a couple who are tragically murdered on devil’s night, not only the night before Halloween but the day before their wedding.
This was Brandon’s last movie because just a few weeks before his own wedding to Eliza Hutton, during filming a piece of shrapnel from a homemade blank pierced his lower left abdomen and he passed away.
Brandon and Eliza used this same quote for their wedding invitations.
“Because We Don’t Know When We Will Die, We Get To Think Of Life As An Inexhaustible Well. Yet Everything Happens A Certain Number Of Times, And A Very Small Number, Really. How Many Times Will You Remember A certain Afternoon Of Your Childhood, Some Afternoon That’s So Deeply A Part Of Your Being That You Can’t Even Conceive Of Your Life Without It? Perhaps Four Of Five Times More. Perhaps Not Even That. How Many More Times Will you Watch The Full Moon Rise? Perhaps Twenty. And Yet It All Seems Limitless. “
Is There Light In This Darkness?
I won’t bore you with all of the details of each choice I made and why I made them, not only because this post is not three days long but also because although the reasons and experiences mattered, they I don’t think are what changed my mind.
Something incredibly bizarre happened or at least something I have never experienced before. I have demons in my head always, my intrusive thoughts, my ego, my pride, and my sins, and they take great pride in reminding me daily of all of my brokenness and lack of self-worth and the lack of emotion etc.
I have to fight them constantly to do anything at all, and they are the same demons that have me accepting death so no more fighting you win. Right?…
Wrong because out of nowhere all of a sudden I had mental angels either that or the demons changed their minds to torment me more, but I honestly think it’s the first one because the demons only really niggle at my mind, but the angels I could feel in my heart.
The angels asked me different questions and told me other things, like why would you want to die when you can see this glorious world around you? Yes, you are broken but has your faith, hope and the grace and love of God not granted you so much previously still presently? Has God not saved you from worse than this before, and still you do not trust?
I know you can look at these as just positive reinforcement but I physically tried to fight against them, like I would my other demons, harder even, I wasn’t going to accept one more day of false hope.
I am certain that once again God’s love and mercy pulled me out of the darkness, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet so to speak.
Why Not God?
Don’t worry I completely understand many feel the sentiment of God and Jesus’ saving and some are instantly turned off by even the idea of bringing religion into an article such as this, and for a long time, I was on the side of the latter.
I also don’t believe here is an appropriate place to open up the debate of the existence of God either, so instead I give you a question to ask yourself and my answer to the same one.
Why not God?
Like a lot of us in my younger days I was a tad rebellious shall we say? In those times I didn’t want to hear about Jesus or God, let alone know him or indeed try to live like him, and asking me to read The word of God would have been the equivalent of asking me to perform the miracles of Jesus myself.
So now that I am older and wiser and more willing to see what just some of the things I was rejecting or I guess what I said I refused to live like.
Here are a few of the key teachings from the bible about how God calls us to live just to see how bad they are;
Also please note here I am not speaking of the churches or religion, I am merely talking about the living God as spoken in the bible and of Jesus Christ of Nazareth.
- Love God with all your heart, soul, and mind, and love your neighbour as yourself (Mark 12:30-31)
- Seek justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with God. (Michah 6:8)
- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you (Luke 6:31)
- Be kind, compassionate, forgiving, and patient (Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3:12)
- Use your gifts and talents to serve others and glorify God. (1 Peter 4:10, Romans 12:6-8)
- Avoid sin and temptation, and seek forgiveness when you fall short. (1 John 1:9, Romans 6:12-14)
- Pray regularly, read scripture and fellowship with other believers to grow in your faith. (1 Thessalonians 5:17, Joshua 1:8, Hebrews 10:25)
Personally looking at these I find it hard to have a counterargument to any, and in fact, I believe that everyone has them engrained in them(like it is written in our hearts) I would say all although I am aware and the reason for the disclosure at the top who say they live like these and don’t, some blatantly go against them, and some mess up for want of trying, but as a whole if we all lived like this I don’t think the world would be a bad place.
Yes, bad stuff would still happen because Jesus never promised there would be no suffering, Man was nailed to a cross because humans sinned and says I will suffer with you and walk with you through it and the majority of his apostles were executed for believing he rose again because they along with 500 others physically witnessed it, so either they were telling the truth or they were amazingly dedicated to a lie, but I don’t think back then I would have been crucified instead of just being like “nah man was crazy” if I wasn’t completely sure I saw him risen.
Not trying to convert anyone here or anything but I like to think most would agree with the concept presented here.
Ok, so why is this relevant to my story and the “angels” in my head? One word Acceptance.
What's The Point?
I rode the high of the “God does love me and I want to better” train, which was the determination to “want to” and “want to”, etc., and with sheer will and determination, I achieved nothing.
It was just a brief spurt of “contentment,” which lasted until the 17th of October (full disclosure: that was the actual date this post was started. It was updated on the 31st, and today is now the 02nd of November, so we will see if it gets posted tonight. Edit from the future: It’s now the 23rd of November. This will be posted one day, I promise.) Then, it was straight back to the empty and the lonely.
I don’t feel anything other than empty and that deep awareness of feeling like I need a partner, I seem strong but I get scared, I get anxious, I get that deep sense of place of feeling like I just don’t fit in anywhere, or I don’t belong or I am not smart enough etc.
All of these, though, can be combated mentally. We know this; it’s just the right tools, coping mechanisms, and support, right?
Yeah, but when you feel it and you are physically in the moment and that day you are not mentally strong enough to break it, you feel guilty about the fact that you weren’t strong enough, breaking you more and thus the cycle continues.
And yes this comes from being able to let things go and Acceptance.
On what was meant to be my final day I accepted everything exactly as it was and took the time to look at the world outside of what we think and feel and see it as it was. This took me back to when I first found my faith and when Jesus found me.
Back then I prayed and meditated on every sin I had ever committed, and I asked Jesus for forgiveness and whether or not you believed in the forgiveness of sins, It gave me acceptance.
Jesus knows everything I have ever done and knows how much I want to be better and can see that I am trying, Jesus loves me now as I am and believes in the man I want to be and will help me to become that.
Myth 4: Mental Illness Is A life Sentence
Has the Increase in Mental Health Awareness Been Good?
Responses