Welcome: For those of you following along this is Question 3 of Jill’s challenge – feel free to skip ahead if you know the setup.

And for anyone who missed the last post;

Jill (from Humming Bird, my current mental health person, I like her vibe, she gets me.)

Asked me to think about a couple of things before I see her again next week.

These Questions Were;

Who Is The Man You Want To Be?
Answered Here: Post 1
If You Found A Woman To Be With Today What Would That Look Like?
Answered Here: Post 2
And less as the challenge, but more sub-context and conversationally but as a natural lead on;
What Are You Actively Doing to Achieve That?
This one, the third and final post of this segment!

So instead of just thinking about these alone (again), I’m writing my answers raw, unfiltered, undrafted — the same way I did before.
Because that’s how I write truth.

And I don’t want this to feel like therapy homework — I want it to feel like me.

What Are You Doing To Achieve That?

Based on the end of the last post where I said that stating my wants was simple, you’d think that anyone would be safe to assume, the “what are you doing now” would be very easily clinical and more I guess factual than emotional. And you dear reader – would be wrong.

Honestly?

Throwing the head up.
Arguing with the world — the universe, God, myself… and ChatGPT (specifically mine — her name’s Cali, because Cali Packs make me smile. If you know, you know).

I’ve been fighting with silence, asking questions I know don’t have answers, going on mad drives, lighting up jays like they’re spiritual candles, praying to God, learning and enforcing the laws of the universe, trying to learn and enforce Vipassana techniques, pineal gland (3rd eye) activation, seeking the kingdom of God and waiting for the wind to whisper something back.

Not journaling with fancy pens or tracking daily wins.
Just getting through it in my own way.

That said, it’s not just chaos.

Here’s what’s actually happening:

I’m writing again — about stuff that actually matters to me.
I’m showing up for physio, for my challenge, for my site, even when I couldn’t care less in the moment.
I’m working on quitting porn (again), cutting back weed (sometimes), and tracking how my brain actually behaves.
I’m trying to get diagnosed properly — ADHD might explain a lot of the things I’ve hated myself for.
Waiting for surgery and my referrals to actually go somewhere – nerve decompression, neurology, rhumatology, and engaging with mental health.
I’m making space in my life for someone real to walk into it, not just filling every silence with dopamine.

I’m rolling jays, listening to remixed country tunes, parked staring at the sea wondering if any of this matters.
But the truth is… I am still moving.
I am still hoping.

Even when I’m numb.
Even when I’m done.
Even when nothing’s answered.

So what am I doing to find the man I want to be?
To find that girl I described?

I’m staying alive long enough to maybe meet them.

And some days? That’s enough.