Jill (from Humming Bird, my current mental health person, I like her vibe, she gets me.)

Asked me to think about a couple of things before I see her again next week.

These Questions Were;

Who Is The Man You Want To Be?
If You Found A Woman To Be With Today What Would That Look Like?
And less as the challenge, but more sub-context and conversationally but as a natural lead on;
What Are You Actively Doing to Achieve That?

So I figured instead of just answering them myself, because these aren’t new to me, I’d write my answers now raw and unedited as they come to me, so this one is unstructured, UN-drafted, honest.

The Man I Want To Be?

This always seems like one of those, “well surely that’s obvious” type questions, but as a man who has asked it several times in my life, I know it’s never as simple as it seems.

I want to be a decent guy, notice i said decent rather than good, that could be me being subtle, I guess the term I most prefer is; A Good Cunt!

Lets break down the stats of a good cunt or a decent guy.

Can be good for the sake of being good, not because he wants or needs something but just for the pleasure of the company and knowledge he helps when/if/how he can… And doesn’t feel empty after it, and doesn’t sit alone knowing he just helped everyone move on… Just the driver in peoples lives.
Want’s to be better for themselves and others, and doesn’t quit because it’s hard, and in fact thrives in chaos, not for himself but so that others know when their world crashes down he can be a beacon of hope… And he can deal with it without crumbling.
Confident, secure, calm and chill, holds himself well in all situations, observes until reaction is both necessary and appropriate, humbles himself in times of anger, yet isn’t afraid to stand up for his morals, ethics, and tells people what he thinks of them not with spite or venom but with a “I love you but your actions are shitty, and I’m only telling you because I care”
Who knows where he stands and when hes chosen not for what he has or what he says , or can do or bring or offer, but for who he is, as a person. Someone you can look at their life and say yea he didn’t always do it right, or smart, or ethically or legally, But man never stopped trying to do it right, he just wanted to do it his way and take as many people with him as he could, and no one can blame him for that. He is a cunt sometimes, but hes a good cunt!

That’s who I’m chasing. Not the perfect version – the real one. The good cunt, the decent man. And I guess the next question is….

If that man found love today, what would it even look like?

This I’ll answer in part 2.